Talking2Mirrors

I have written so much, not just on here but also in my journal and elsewhere. I have always wanted to express my thoughts and ideas to anyone willing to listen.  As of late I have been a man or little words, the thoughts and ideas are still there but I feel that there is nothing to say. Even as I am writting this, it is somewhat forced. I do not feel the freedom in my writting, it does not feel like I am going with the water’s current, but rather against it. There is nothing to say and there is no one to talk to.

My faith is still strong and hope still fills my heart. Things happen, as life does. Sometimes things happen in your life that make you take a step back to reevaluate your life to see where you stand. In life, we all stand on shakey ground, constantly trying to find a balance. I find it hard to stand firm on solid ground while taking in all the things that life throw at you. 

No matter what happen in my life, no matter how bad it gets, I have not and will not lose my faith, my spirit, or my hope. I have always been a particular way and never understood why, I somewhat understand how but never why? I dont really question why anymore because that is who I am. I will be the first person to admit that I have not lived up to my potential in this life time in terms of the things I need to do or should do. I understand the complexity and the importance of being a successful person in life. To be completely honest, I only blame myself for not being the person I want to be and the person that everyone wants me to be. I have never blamed anything in my life on anyone else but myself. Yes I have thought about it, Yes I have blame others before, But in the end I know its not them, it’s me. And that is the truth.

I do not understand myself at times. I do not understand why I let things happen, I do not understand why I do not do the things I need to do. They are often very simple to me, in fact there are very few things that I feel I can not do. This makes me wonder even more, why dont I just do it if it is so easy. Not so easy now is it.  Enough with all the nonsense, the purpose of this sitting is to talk about my faith.

I have always been me as long as I can remember, and dont know how to be anyone else but myself.  No matter what happened in my life, I was always ok inside. I know who I am and what I stand for. My faith was never broken, but yes it has been questioned many time. No matter what the Kaos around me was, I always found myself going to a place within that would ease my pain. It feels as if there is nothing in life could ever change who I am deep inside. There is no ego here, I say that to others as much as I say it to myself.

No matter what happen to me in the rest of my life, I will always feel that I have lived a full and meaningful life. I do not measure life by the quantity of years lived, but rather by the quality in the years lived. There is something inside of me that keeps me going, it keeps me believing and hoping of a better tomorrow. Not a lot of people know who I am, I am not even sure if i know who I am sometime, but what I do know is that there is a spirit within me that guides me to the light weather I like it or not.  My faith is like a seed planted in me and as it grow it’s roots act as a foundation that keeps me grounded in life’s storms. If life is like a tornado in kaos, then my faith is the eye of that storm. Right in the middle of the kaos yet calm as a whisper. A faith is much stronger when it is tested, and mine has been tested, and it has gotten stronger. I hope my faith will guide my actions in the right direction so that I can be peaceful but in life and in spirit. I will always be positive and hopeful, I will always be compassionate and forgiving, I will always give the best of me.

When I die, I want people to know that I have lived a full and meaningful life. By then I will have done all that I am here to do. I am not affraid of death, it is my ego that is affraid.